This is the No. 1 trap long-term relationships fall into, marriage psychologist says: ‘I very commonly see people using false logic'
In long-term relationships, it's very common for people to link their unhappiness to their partner's actions. This is 'false logic,' one psychologist says.
It's not uncommon for couples to have long-term relationships.
Link their partner's actions to their unhappy feelings
Some people think that "if my spouse texted me each morning, I would feel less anxious" or "if he wanted to travel more, I would feel more motivated."
Lisa Marie Bobby is a psychologist and the founder of
Growing Self-Coaching & Coaching
Denver is a city that offers a wide range of activities.
Bobby: "I often see people using false logic in their relationships." Bobby says, "They think that their feelings are due to some external circumstances."
It could cause a partner to change their behavior in order to relieve their relationship anxiety. It is not only unjust to the partner but also ineffective.
Bobby suggests that instead of asking your spouse to change, you ask yourself this question: "What about my way of thinking or my core beliefs or lack thereof, my emotional management abilities, makes me feel a little'meh' within the context of an otherwise perfect marriage?"
The trap of 'false logic
Say your partner spends a lot time working and hanging out with friends. You may start to feel ignored and think that you would be happier if your partner spent more time with.
Bobby says that this is the "false reasoning" trap.
Bobby says, "The false logic is that if I was with someone else, I wouldn't be abandoned anymore." In my experience, I think you'd feel totally abandoned. "It would be different reasons."
It is not possible to control your partner's behaviour in order to alter your emotional state.
Bobby says, "When people externalize their feelings, it creates a really difficult dynamic in which people try to change their circumstances as a means to change their emotional experience."
A partner cannot regulate your emotions. It's therefore important to think about what you can do to feel happier and not burden your partner with the work.
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